Where Love is Fear Won't Tread

Last Saturday was the 100 day mark. I've been anxiously anticipating this day and now that it has come I am slightly more realistic than I expected to be. I thought that I would be full of the excitement that I have been holding back, but instead the fear that I have been hiding and ignoring began to overshadow that excitement. All day Saturday, on the 100th day till departure, I had the strangest mix of emotions towards going to Africa. Like I posted before, emotions have been a very real part of this entire adventure. For some reason, in my mind, I was not able to have any true feelings toward the trip until the countdown hit 100. Yes, I have been excited, and nervous, and anxious, and sad, and curious, but it was all a blur.
I have had countless people ask me "Are you scared?" I always respond with the same thing, "Yes, but I know it is what I am supposed to do." I put on a face that portrays confidence and I leave it at that. Not only have I been convincing others that I am brave and unafraid of moving halfway across the world to a country I've never been and to live among people I've never met, but I have also been convincing myself of the same disillusion.
Monday night I was at a bible study that I attend regularly and we were worshiping with singing and praying. I was in a living room full of like-minded people. We come from all different walks of life but we have one thing in common; we all love the same God. As I was sitting, surrounded by friends, praying and singing to the Lord, I broke before Him. I confessed that I am terrified to leave. I am scared beyond anything I've ever known to leave these people. How can I leave them? I don't want to. I cannot imagine not having them right next to me, a phone call away, and in the same community.
In the middle of praying these things to the Lord which I had not even realized until that night, a dear friend came up to me and told me she was going to pray for me. I always feel honored when someone wants to pray for me so I gladly nodded, giving her the goahead. She began to pray over me the exact words that I had said to the Lord just moments before. I was in awe. Completely humbeled before God, I began to sob. I could not hold in the fear any longer, the Lord was asking me to give it all to Him. The words that the Lord spoke through her to me are something I will cherish forever. I know that our God is a loving, caring, compassionate, real, and present God. He is active in our lives and He wants to be in every aspect of them.
The one thing that my friend kept asking me was "Is God big enough?" Is God big enough for our problems? Our fears? Our secretes? Our insecurities? Our worries? I know He is!   Is God big enough for you?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Not My Plan

Emotions are a strange thing. I have never felt such opposite feelings in all of my life. I am constantly excited and yet terrified both at the same time, with many more emotions mixed in between. There have been a few nights that I have cried myself to sleep while letting my mind reel of how lonely I most likely will be while in Africa but the Lord gently whispers "you will never be alone" and I am reminded that He has led me here and He will be with me the whole journey. On the other hand, multiple times a week someone I don't know very well at all will ask me about Africa or someone will post words of encouragement on my facebook and I truly cannot smiling because of the feeling that I get when I think about what I will be doing over there. When I get lost in thought (usually during class, sorry professors) of being in Africa I can actually hear, see, and feel it. I can hear the kids coming up to me and hugging my leg, I can see the red dirt all over my feet, I can hear the kids laughing and learning and it gives me a feeling inside of complete joy that I cannot put into words. I have come to believe that it is simply the devil trying to stop me when I think of being alone and scared. Then the Lord reminds me again that this is HIS plan and I am able to see the joy and feel His peace.

Things are coming together just as they should. I have my passport and the airline ticket has been reserved.Support letters are sent and fundraisers are being planned. Bracelets have been ordered to sell and will be in soon. Raising the money is a huge part of this  and it is easy for me to become overwhelmed by the dollar amount but again, I have to remind myself that I did not plan this, He planned this and He will make a way for me to go. I am so excited to see the Lord work in this aspect of the trip. This is where I have the most doubt and I know that He will just blow me away.

decisions, decisions, decisions

ive never really enjoyed making important decisions. ive actually always hated it. there have been a lot of decisions in my life that i felt were incredibly important and life-altering but none as huge as the decision i have finally come to regarding africa and graduating. 

i have received (almost) nothing but affirmation from everyone in my life about my decision to go to ghana. I am incredibly overwhelmed by the response of people with whom i have shared this news with. after much prayer, counsel, tears, and consideration i have decided that i will be move to ghana in july 2012. 

i also was given the option of going straight to where i will be living and not doing the mission trip with my team or doing the mission trip and then going to my job. this was an incredibly difficult decision to make because my heart was set on the mission trip and i had planned on going with friends. in my head, this was a time of transition for me to get used to ghana while still being with my american friends. i finally decided that it will be best for me to go straight to my job and living with the family that started the school. this will save a substantial amount of money and i feel like this is the best option for me. I will still be able to fly over with my team and see them a few times during their stay.

 i was presented with yet another decision. graduate in may 2012 without a teaching certificate or withdraw and come back to get my certification? there are pros and cons to each and i have played them all out in my head more times than i can count. i have decided to graduate in may 2012 with a degree in elementary studies and a minor in psychology.  

many people might say that graduating without being certified is a waste of 4 years of school, or that i really should just finish what i started, and that i may need it to fall back on. but i have no choice but to trust that the Lord will take care of me. hasnt he always? i strongly believe that i was in school the last 4 years for a reason and that took me down the path that has lead straight to me teaching in africa. at this point, i cannot see past my year in ghana. i am not sure if teaching in the states is something that the lord will lead me to or not, but i do know that if it is, He will provide means for me to do that when the time is right. 

i know that that was a lot of information and it might not all sound pretty and poetic but this is more a place for me to keep track of what is going on because some days i truly cant believe what is happening in my life so i have to write it down. 

please continue to pray for me and the work that i will be doing in ghana and thank you to everyone who has already been doing so. i appreciate you more than you know.

Truth

i come across verses daily that inspire me and keep me motivated to continue on this path that God has guided me to. i want a place to compile those specific verses so that when i am feeling weak, as so often i do, i can go to them and be reminded that this truly is the work of the Lord.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.“If you love me, keep my commands."  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:12-18

" So do not fear,for I am with you. Do not be dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen you with my righteous hand. All who rage against you will be ashamed and disgraced. Those who oppose you will be as nothing, and perish. Though you search for your enemies you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you "Do not fear. I will help you." Isaiah 41: 10-13

"If I am not doing the works of my Father, then do not believe me; but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, that you may know & understand that the Father is in me & I am in the Father." John 10:37-38 

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

 "Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father's family and go to the land I will show you." Genesis 12

"This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands." 1 John 5:2

let the adventure begin. part 2.

this past summer i made the move from MO to CO. it was a temporary move only lasting three short months. however, it was the best move i ever made. i worked at ymca of the rockies in Estes Park, Colorado where i was a day camp counselor. i traveled out there with one of my best friends ellyn. we truly had the best summer of our lives.

 we met some amazing people while we were out there. the kind of people that you stay friends with for the rest of your life even though youve only known each other for a very short time. a few of these people also share a passion for africa. it was amazing to see God bring us together from all over the country with such similar interests and be able to share and encourage one another. im not sure if i encouraged them, but they encouraged me in ways im sure they dont even know. this is just one more example of God working in my life and leading me to africa.

after praying and praying for literally years about africa and what i was supposed to do there i started looking into going on a mission trip for next summer. i looked at many different organizations but nothing clicked. somehow or another i was lead to my friend caleb's mom who leads mission trips. cheryl (calebs mom) and i set up a skype interview and when it was over i could not stop smiling. i knew that this was it. this was the trip for me to go on. you can read her blog here and the site for the organization we will be going with here. the trip is scheduled for july 14-26 to Ghana, West Africa. 

i continued to pray about this trip, the other people that would go on it, raising the funds to go, the people we would meet while in africa, and just that everything would fall into place. 

the Lord definitely has a bigger plan for me than i do for myself.  just the other day i read a post on cheryl's facebook wall stating that she has a friend in Ghana who has started a school and is looking for a teacher to come and help them. i wish that i could adequately explain the feeling that i had when i first read this post. my initial reaction was "wow! that would be amazing!", and then a quick thought of doubt that i wouldnt be able to do something like that, and if i could, surely this isnt it, and then a voice in my head told me to message cheryl about it. all of those thoughts happened in less than 1 minute and within 5 minutes of reading her post i had already messaged her.  there is no harm in asking questions and finding out information, right? immediately after i sent the message to cheryl, i recieved a text message from my dear friend nikki who is also friends with cheryl on facebook. the message simply said "do it" with a picture of the status cheryl had posted on facebook that i had just responded to. this was another goose bump moment. 

over the last few days i have been in contact with Di, the lady from Ghana who has started the school and is looking for a teacher. initially, i thought that this opportunity might be one that i could start after graduation in december 2012. after speaking with Di i learned that they would prefer to have a teacher there by september of 2012. this did not change my desire to go, but it does make me stop and think about what decisions i will have to make regarding school and graduating. there are many possibilities at this point that i will wait to dive into on here. 

so at this point i am in a slightly unknown spot. i absolutely 100% feel that God has opened each of these doors for me. i know that He is asking me to look into this. i know that He is asking me to consider this. i am willing to do whatever He asks of me. i do want to be sure of what He is asking and make sure that i am not just jumping at something because it is what i want. 

i ask for your prayers as i continue to seek out God's voice in this situation. i pray for an open mind. i pray that i will gladly quit school and move to africa if that is what He wants but i also pray that if He wants me to finish school and wait to go to africa, that i am okay with that as well. 

let the adventure begin

the beginning of something is always the hardest in my opinion. it is so unknown, and i dont always like the unknown. but there is one thing that i do know. and that is, the Lord loves me. my whole life he has provided for me and given me all my hearts desires, and much, much more. ive been on a journey the last 4 years of developing a heart for missions and specifically africa. it has been a slow progression of simply falling in love. with a country ive never been to and people ive yet to meet. this may sound crazy, and sometimes i think i am, but i really am just listening to my heart and following the Lord as best i can.


when i started school at college of the ozarks in the spring of 2009 i had no idea what the Lord had in store for my life. this passion began my first semester at CofO when i realized that mission work was even a possibility. it just wasnt something that i had really ever considered. there was just no way that someone like me, so broken, so human, so sinful, could do any kind of work like that for the Lord. i slowly learned that those are exactly the people God calls to do his work. people like me. and people like you. imperfect people to complete His perfect plan.


over the next few semesters i met many amazing people who encouraged my desire to travel to africa and spread God's love. it slowly became not only a possibility, but a great reality and something that was heavy on my heart. i have countless stories of times when i prayed for strong direction regarding africa and the work i might do there and the Lord gave me HUGE signs that this is definitely what he has in store for my future. the first time this happened was my junior year. africa had been on my heart, like it so often is, but i felt like there was no way i could go. it seemed so much more complicated than that. so i prayed my whole drive from home(Rogersville) to school(Branson), a 45 minute drive, that the Lord show me what he wanted and tell me if africa was just a silly dream i had for myself or if he was really the one putting that desire in my heart.  the next day, as i walked into the education building on campus to go to a class, i saw a poster on the front desk in the main lobby. it read "teach in africa". i immediately felt goose bumps raise on my arms and a few tears come to my eyes. i asked, and the Lord answered. as simple as that. the poster was supporting an organization that sends college graduates to africa to teach for a year. i knew this was not necessarily the organization that God wanted me to work with, but it was enough to tell me that "yes, this is a desire I have placed in your heart. keep believing. keep trying". another time of confirmation was immediately after i got back from colorado in the summer of 2011. i was in one of my first calsses of the semester and i was seriously doubting why God wanted me in school if all i was going to do was go to africa where my degree wouldnt even matter. the teacher opened class with a devotional. she began reading an excerpt from a blog of a former student. as she continued on i could tell that they were in africa. when she was done reading she told us that there is no limit to what God might have in store for us. we might be getting a degree in education to teach in a classroom in the states or maybe to move to africa and teach impoverished children and show them God's love. either way, she wanted to make sure that we werent putting God in a box. i walked up to her after class with tears in my eyes and thanked her and shared with her my plans for the future. she seemed very pleased that God had led her to share that. it was definitely a "God thing".


i have a lot more to share, but this has already become very lengthy. i hope to be posting more soon about where i am now on my adventure to africa and what the Lord is doing in my life. please be praying for guidance as i continue to follow this desire that the Lord has placed in my heart.