Last Saturday was the 100 day mark. I've been anxiously anticipating this day and now that it has come I am slightly more realistic than I expected to be. I thought that I would be full of the excitement that I have been holding back, but instead the fear that I have been hiding and ignoring began to overshadow that excitement. All day Saturday, on the 100th day till departure, I had the strangest mix of emotions towards going to Africa. Like I posted before, emotions have been a very real part of this entire adventure. For some reason, in my mind, I was not able to have any true feelings toward the trip until the countdown hit 100. Yes, I have been excited, and nervous, and anxious, and sad, and curious, but it was all a blur.
I have had countless people ask me "Are you scared?" I always respond with the same thing, "Yes, but I know it is what I am supposed to do." I put on a face that portrays confidence and I leave it at that. Not only have I been convincing others that I am brave and unafraid of moving halfway across the world to a country I've never been and to live among people I've never met, but I have also been convincing myself of the same disillusion.
Monday night I was at a bible study that I attend regularly and we were worshiping with singing and praying. I was in a living room full of like-minded people. We come from all different walks of life but we have one thing in common; we all love the same God. As I was sitting, surrounded by friends, praying and singing to the Lord, I broke before Him. I confessed that I am terrified to leave. I am scared beyond anything I've ever known to leave these people. How can I leave them? I don't want to. I cannot imagine not having them right next to me, a phone call away, and in the same community.
In the middle of praying these things to the Lord which I had not even realized until that night, a dear friend came up to me and told me she was going to pray for me. I always feel honored when someone wants to pray for me so I gladly nodded, giving her the goahead. She began to pray over me the exact words that I had said to the Lord just moments before. I was in awe. Completely humbeled before God, I began to sob. I could not hold in the fear any longer, the Lord was asking me to give it all to Him. The words that the Lord spoke through her to me are something I will cherish forever. I know that our God is a loving, caring, compassionate, real, and present God. He is active in our lives and He wants to be in every aspect of them.
The one thing that my friend kept asking me was "Is God big enough?" Is God big enough for our problems? Our fears? Our secretes? Our insecurities? Our worries? I know He is! Is God big enough for you?
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
